"Hey, wherrrre is myyy baaeerrr," James slurred. He turned towards me and glared.
"I drank it. Let's go."
I walked out of the front door of the restaurant where I bar tend. James stumbled behind me haphazardly pushing his bicycle along side of him. Looking behind me I noticed his labored mounting and shrugged as I threw my leg over the front bars of my ride and took off down the street.
We rode down the street to a nearby bar where the karaoke was blaring out loudly. I bought the two of us a round of drinks. He took a seat at a bar stool and swiveled towards the karaoke singer.
The singer, a mid thirty year old white male, was crooning the latest heart wrenching alt rock garble. He gyrated his hips towards his lady friends, pushing his pelvis into the microphone. As his song ended I noticed James had gained the favors of a young lady. She was leaning on his broad shoulders and had her nose sunk into his hair, obviously lusting for his natural man musk. James' eyes got wider as the repercussions filled his mind. The embarrassment of slipping in a puddle of vomit after a night of forgettable fornicating put James off. His shoulder shrugged; the woman bobbed off him like a buoy and swayed over to the man sitting on her right. Having rid himself of possible std's, unwanted pregnancies, and the cost of a condom James focused on his White Russian.
"Let's doooo a shut." James said through his milk mustache.
"Two shots of Jagermeister and a lagunitas IPA," I asked. "The tab is under Matt Lucas."
"What?" the bartender responded with a harried look.
"Lucas, Matt. Its a gold card with a Visa logo."
"Dumb bitzsch. What is with all these biotches," James exclaimed with masculine vehemence.
I grabbed the shots, knocking mine with his.
"For male solidarity and the superiority of our sex. Huzzah," I toasted. As the jagermeister slid down my throat like children's cough syrup, I felt three kinky hairs sprout from my chest.
"I can't believe that bitch lied to me for so long. Fucking cunt," James lamented.
"I'm sorry dude."
James had recently been dumped by the only girl to ever share his tent. He'd been scumbagging it in the woods of Yosemite all summer living off a diet of ramen noodles and chocolate milk until the girl came into his life. She swept him off his feet with her ability to buy groceries and her working motorized vehicle. James was starstruck. He never noticed that the minivan was complete with car seats and that on the kitchen counter was a picture of a balding white dude.
"AAAh, girls will just make you fat and lazy anyways," James stated.
Noticing that James would soon dive into a didactic sermon on the ill state of women's morality I looked over at the drunk lady sitting next to him.
"You've had enough," the bartender said, trying to take back the beer from the drunk lady.
"No! Fuck you!" shouted Drunky Mcdrunk. She grabbed the bottle to the right and threw it across the bar at the bartender. Then she snatched an empty pint glass and showed off her pitching arm to the crowd of onlookers. The glass smashed against the bottles of liquor wobbling them. For the finale she pushed over the remaining glasses and bottles on the bar. Drunky had a look of both sedation and stupor as the bouncer grabbed her.
"You get out of my bar!" The bartender screamed with potency.
Shrugging I looked around for the karaoke book. I really hoped that they would have a Smiths song that I could murder. There were none. Life is a disappointment and in the morning its a hangover.
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