Thoughts on "You're going to Get Hit"

Unlike some of my other stories I rewrote each entry rather than create a separate part for each one. So instead of having Billy's letter part 1, 2, and 3, I just kept Billy's letter and amended it as I went along.

A week or so ago I was sitting in the tub. Its not often that I bathe, take in a full bath full of hot water and let my skin soak. Recently having been bitten by a spider a tub full of boiling liquid seemed to be in order. As my body sat steaming I looked at my wound. It slowly leaked out blood. The seeping red liquid reminded me of those who choose to commit suicide in bath tubs. Certainly they should be applauded for their consideration of the aftermath mess.

Suicide is an inevitability. For many people its a way out, a form of escape. There is absolutely nothing wrong with suicide. It is a way to walk off the field of a rigged game. I hope that one day I will be able to commit suicide, when I so desire.

All these morbid thoughts of suicide and death reminded me of when I was younger. Burdened with mindless labor on a farm I would often think of what my funeral would be like. I suppose reading Tom Sawyer had gotten my mind going. As I grew older I would think of committing suicide as a way of punishing the people who would survive me. My death would be their guilt. Countless hours would be spent picturing the weeping, the crying, the sobbing, and the sadness of having never said "I love you Matt," enough or with adequate earnest.

I don't think about such things as much anymore. Yet as the water in the tub cooled I thought about my own death. Who would preside over it? Would I be cremated? Why would I die? What would people say?

This story is a reaction to those questions. I don't think that it is fully representative of what people would say or do after my death. I'm somewhat satisfied with it. I feel like the last piece is a little rushed and the romantic reasons for the death of Marc are a bit hockey. Silly, juvenile, but far more realistic than Marc finding out he has cancer and going out to gun down cops. Who does that? A young person is more likely to throw themselves before a train than go out with a bang.

The suicidal urge seems to be dying out though. People don't have the same amount of passion as they did. Passion has been replaced by obsession, or worse detachment. An eventual compromise is made with everyday life and the mill stone continues to grind on.