Thursday, October 25, 2007

Reach out touch Faith

The diner was dimly lit. The small overhanging light was dim, due to the lack of light bulbs. Of the four bulbs in the faux chandelier only one actively worked. That one bit of glass and wiring provided us with light. The darkness sat well on my companion, although I wish it had sat a little more heavily. She waited for me to speak.

We used to come to this diner all the time. We met while she was in art school. I should have known better than to date some art fag. I'd been sitting in on a human anatomy class when I first spotted her. She had long brown hair and large open eyes, like she was straight out of a Japanese manga. After two weeks of classes she moved her seat next to mine. Two weeks after that we were making dinner and going on bike rides. She was pleasant, cute, and young. Having recently moved back to the area and being unsure of my plans it seemed appropriate to take things slowly, easily.

The lackadaisical approach to the relationship meant that most things went unsaid. The transition from hooking up to dating was unclear and while I assumed she wanted to be in some sort of relationship with me neither of us came out and said anything. The lack of clarity ended up being our downfall. Not knowing that I was interested in having a an ongoing thing with her she had started to date someone else on the side. Her inability to say what she wanted was peculiar to me while my inability to talk was just classical male stoicism. I found it difficult to think that someone could want a "relationship." A relationship with anyone. Just as long as it was a "relationship." It reminded me of craigslist ads:

"SWF iso that Special Someone"

I'm blonde, medium height and build, with big blue eyes and a killer smile (so I've been told). I enjoy shopping, working out, nice restaurants, and spending time with the people who mean the most to me. I am educated with a BA in Communications. I enjoy reading and writing and am currently formulating ideas for a book. I am looking for a ltr with a man who knows how to please me. My last boyfriend was afraid of commmitment. I want a man who knows what he wants and won't play games....

The waitress came over and asked for our order. I ordered a vegan black bean burger with some fries and a root beer, she said that she'd share my fries and got a vegan blueberry banana milkshake. One of the good things about being in a progressive area is that even shit hole dives like the diner have vegan options. It adds to the allure and ambiance in a way that the bad chandelier did not.

We sat in silence for a while. I was a little surprised with myself that we were even talking. I'd never been this impulsive before. After two months of no communication I had picked up the phone and called her. Half an hour later we were at the diner.

"How are you doing," I asked her.

"I'm okay."

"What have you been doing lately?"

"Not much really. The things I used to do, well I still do but they don't have the same appeal. I'm still attending my classes, doing my assignments, I go for walks in the park occasionally but everything seems to have lost its luster."

"I saw this movie last night it reminded me of you..."

"What movie?"

"It was 'Control.'"

"Oh that movie about Joy Division?"

"Yeah, you know how much I love Joy Division. Have you seen it yet?"

"No. I want to though. Is it good?"

"Yeah. Its short but I enjoyed it."

"Why did you think of me."

"I guess I thought about our situation. Curtis married at a very young age, 19, to his high school sweet heart. Impulsively they have a child. At the tender age of 21 he's living the nuclear family wet dream. When the band begins to take off he realizes he's unhappy and becomes involved with a belgian reporter. Eventually his dutiful wife finds out and confronts him. She screams at him demanding answers from him.
'Why Ian? Why? Do you love her Ian? Where are you going Ian?'
Ian stands there in silence. Its as if his wife is smashing her hands against a brick wall. Her fists batter this emotional structure and become bloody. She looks so fustratingly impotent. Ian is unable to reply. The words won't come out of his mouth. He tears up a little and then walks away. He goes to a pub and gets shitfaced."

We sit in silence for a while longer. I push at my food with my fork and then eat some of my burger. Its greasy. She takes a long drink of her milkshake.

"It seems as though everything that happened between us was a lie. While my empathy goes out to Curtis, I know how his wife feels. Why couldn't Curtis have just told her the truth. Sure they would have gotten divorced but things would have healed, there wouldn't be a big tear in her heart. Why didn't you just say something to me?"

"I was going to. I wanted to leave Bryan but things got so fucked up. I was happy with you."

"But it was such a compartmentalized happiness. It was a happiness that ignored other things. It was like a child's soap bubble. It floated in the air beautifully and then popped. I hate that our relationship was so easily replaced. I feel so fucking cheap. No doubt I've already been switched with someone who will cater to your needs on demand. Your insistent victim hood, your constant cravings for attention. It angers me that the relationship was always about you. It never was a relationship, it was a one sided affair in which I was a prop for your insecurities. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you."

I got out my wallet and put twenty dollars down, more than enough for the meal and her shake. I took my coat and walked out the door. A feeling of lightness came over me. Perhaps it was a fleeting feeling but I lingered in it for the moment. When I arrived back home I got out my sketch pad and started to draw. After I finished a small sketch I put on a Joy Division record. I put on "She's lost Control" and stared at the lyrics. They read:

Confusion in her eyes that says it all.
She's lost control.
And she's clinging to the nearest passer by,
She's lost control.
And she gave away the secrets of her past,
And said I've lost control again,
And a voice that told her when and where to act,
She said I've lost control again.

And she turned around and took me by the hand and said,
I've lost control again.
And how I'll never know just why or understand,
She said I've lost control again.
And she screamed out kicking on her side and said,
I've lost control again.
And seized up on the floor, I thought she'd die.
She said I've lost control.
She's lost control again.
She's lost control.
She's lost control again.
She's lost control.

Well I had to 'phone her friend to state my case,
And say she's lost control again.
And she showed up all the errors and mistakes,
And said I've lost control again.
But she expressed herself in many different ways,
Until she lost control again.
And walked upon the edge of no escape,
And laughed I've lost control.
She's lost control again.
She's lost control.
She's lost control again.
She's lost control.

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