Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Don't put me on the backburner
Running, for whatever reason, really seems to clear my mind. Today as my path took me down to the berkeley waterfront, to the caesar chavez park, and back, my mind went over the upcoming fight. My runs usually last at least an hour. As my feet fell in front of me my mind went over and over how I wanted to be a monster. I kept thinking about this zine that A! and Artnoose made some time ago. One of the pictures is of a bunch of creatures with tentacles, fangs, and other grotesque features. Below is the caption "What kind of monster would you like to be." The point the zine was trying to make, or one of them, is that we are born into a society so fucked up that its hard, nay impossible, not to be scarred, maimed, convulted, and to not have developed some sort of survival mechanicisms. Schizophrenia, hostility, passivity, depression, alcoholism, I feel like there are a multitude of ways in which people react to the shit world in which we live. There's been moments in my life (more than I used to like to admit) in which I've done some pretty shitty things, I'd think of myself as a monster. Clawed, fanged, and uncontrollable. Slashing at the people around me for whatever reason. My life now doesn't neccessarily include that much damage to others (less... ir maybe in different ways) but I as I run I think about how I want to be a monster now. A tyrant in the ring, a cruel batterer, ruthless and unforgiving. Accepting that I'm just not a nice person, that I can't always be very good to people, and that frankly I don't want to has been a bit of a process. Its just weird to think that what I once thought was such a negative aspect of myself I'm now harnessing.
We've started to look for new housemates which is a mundane process.
Ted and I were sparring today and after a tep he dropped his heel on my upper thigh. I have to work it out with liniment. I was at the gym for 3 hours today.